I’m back bitches!
Just kidding, but it sure has been a while.
It’s been a whole year since I’ve put energy into this blog, which makes me stop and ask…what have I been doing for the past year?
The answer is simple: I was finishing my final year of college. Yep, I graduated last month with a Bachelor’s Degree in English and for anyone out there that has ever been in college, I applaud you. Seriously. College is hard.
Now that I’m on the other side of it, diploma in hand, I find myself wondering what does it all mean? Was it worth it? How do I feel? And most importantly, what the heck am I going to do now?
I was raised to believe, as I think a lot of us are, that the external accomplishments in life will lead to internal happiness, or at least to some sense of VALUE in the world.
That the things we are doing are what define us.
In other words, I am my job.
This idea is a complicated one, especially for people like me. People who haven’t quite “figured out” what they want “to do” with their lives yet. And I don’t know, maybe we never will.
I’m in a sticky place right now. Instead of graduating college feeling accomplished and proud of myself, I’m feeling a little bit defeated. I’m much older than I thought I would be, I’m not sure how my degree in English is going to help me land a “fun, fulfilling, creative, purposeful job” (my dream job, probably yours too), I have tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, and guess what I’m doing…?
I’m waiting tables.
Yep, I’m here again. Waiting tables, bussing tables, piecing together a lifestyle and an income just to make ends meet. Still not knowing where my life is going, still not sure what my skills are or how I can contribute to the world.
I’m humbled, to be honest. I’m being confronted with many truths about myself and my life that I haven’t wanted to look at before: the way I blame others, my sadness and frustration and fear this is it, that this is the only experience I’m going to have, loneliness, lack of self-worth based on where my life is at, all sorts of fun things.
At the same time, I also know this – I am in the perfect place. It’s the thoughts of worry and anxiety that say, “I haven’t done enough” and “I’m not good enough” that I’m being asked to sit with and let go of.
I’m being asked to step up to the plate and transform some areas that are pretty low-vibe.
In earlier years of my life, when these feelings came up, I avoided them. I numbed them with food or television, the easiest and most socially acceptable ways for a person to check out. I stuffed them deep, went on an adventure, and said, “I’ll worry about that later”.
Well, later is now, and worry I am doing.
I’ve been working with a coach lately which has been incredibly helpful. He’s a Dr. Zach Bush (a whole post on Dr. Bush at a later time) trained health coach and works with people on an energetic, emotional, psychological, habitual, nutritional level with movement and mindset at the forefront.
With his help, I’m in a place of trust and observation. I trust that this experience is important and I’m observing myself when my mind starts spiraling, frantically spinning into the ethers proclaiming, “I’ll never find a job I love, I’ll never contribute to the good of the planet, I’ll never make enough money, I’ll never be happy!”
Pretty dark, huh?
As much I want to be writing and sharing happy, inspiring, creative experiences right now, I also want to share the truth. And this is it.
If my internal world shapes my external experiences, then it’s not about the degrees I hold, the job I have, or the amount of money in my bank account. It’s about how often I am able to be present and grateful and grounded.
Can I witness myself when my mind spirals off? Can I feel gratitude for this experience, as uncomfortable as it is?
The more we are able to cultivate peace from within, to stay present and grounded, and to create from this place of alignment, the more we will draw things towards us that are in resonance with who we truly are. Miracles and shifts in the external are a result of transformation and alignment from within.
Easier said than done, I know.
But I’m going to hold onto this: the Universe is delivering to me the very experiences I need to be having for my growth as a human and a soul.
This experience is an opportunity to deconstruct some of the culturally learned and limited beliefs that have been running the show from behind the scenes, sneaky and hidden. It’s an opportunity to face the fire and forge something new.
Whoever you are out there reading this, thank you. It’s scary and vulnerable sharing my darkness thoughts. Being human can be difficult sometimes, but I think it helps to know we aren’t alone.