Ten years ago, I was a brand new college dropout and a girl who was completely lost. I had absolutely NO idea what to do with my life, who I was, or want I wanted. But I sure was desperate to find out.
I was renting a room in Sacramento, living with strangers, and working nights at a bar. For the first time in my life, I began asking the big questions: “Why am I here?”. “Who am I?”. “What is my purpose?”. As I’ve gotten older, I understand a bit more that these questions will never really be answered… however, it is our ability to keep showing up, at ALL of the stages, through ALL of the ages, and to keep asking the questions, that creates the space for transformation. Its a continuous process.
As difficult as those few months were, I can see now how beautiful my process was. It was the lonely nights I spent sitting on the floor of my bedroom, willing myself to understand the world and trying so hard to find some kind of meaning that pushed me to the next level. After all, if we aren’t even asking the questions, how do we expect to find any answers?
What I needed at that time in my life was simply to know that there were other options besides college, stress, and a nine to five job. It was when I gave myself permission to get lost in the depths of despair, to completely breakdown, that I simultaneously gifted myself the freedom OPEN up, to WAKE up. Within a few months, I was living on a farm on the outskirts of Placerville, learning to grow vegetables and tend to animals, living in community, waking up early with a clear mission and falling asleep happy and tired. It was a WHOLE NEW WORLD ✨
I am not saying that farming is my one and only purpose in life, but simply that it was the NEXT STEP for me, it was the breakthrough I needed at that time; the effects of which have rippled out into every corner of my life, and year after year, day after day, new worlds are continuing to unfold.
Whatever you are experiencing, trust that the breakdowns are in fact the gateways to the BIG MAGIC. For me, they are the tipping point. That point at which hopelessness becomes so overpowering that there is no other option but to completely GIVE IN to the grief. Only then am I able to move through, out, and up, clearing out a TON of old baggage in the process.
Twenty-nine was the year of another big breakdown for me. I’ve talked about it before, but last year I hit rock bottom emotionally in a way that I had never experienced previous. It was by far the most challenging year of my life, but it was also the most beautiful gift I have ever have given myself. I stopped running from the life I didn’t want, and began showing up for the life I DO want.
The world that I am living in TODAY, this world that I LOVE and am SO EXCITED about, only revealed itself to me when I took responsibility for my own life. When I showed up and began to deal with my stuff. ALL of my stuff.
Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs, y’all. So I say “hallelujah for the breakdowns!”.
There is no growth without challenge. There is no light without dark. The old stories must be remembered and forgiven if we are to create new ones. Don’t be scared. When the darkness shows up, when the breakdowns happen, when the angry, hurt, lost, and confused emotions show up stronger than ever, remember that the lower the valley, the higher the mountain. It’s all apart of the process and you are doing your work.
We are ALL doing our work and we are doing an amazing job. We are alive today and we are all showing up, doing the best we can with what we know.
As for myself, I am GRATEFUL for the dark times and the time outs, I am grateful for the opportunities to clear out lower frequencies and old stories, and I know that although I may occasionally hit rock bottom, time and time again, I will also kick up stronger than ever and reach heights I’ve never before experienced. How cool is that?
I am here to GROW as big and as beautiful as I can.
I trust my journey and myself and I open to growth in whatever form I need.